Monday, November 7, 2011

And there he is!
My sweet MacKinley Benjamin Marlow!
Born September 15th via c-section of course.
We've been home for some time recovering and getting into a good routine.
And now things are getting back to normal, albeit a little more hectic than before.

I've neglected this blog so many times and I hate myself for it. I've gotten so overwhelmed with Mommyhood that I truly need this outlet. 

I was thinking back to when I was 16 and all I could do was dream of being Carrie Bradshaw.
Well I wanted to live Carrie's life, but write like Sylvia Plath.
That's just me! But the point is, I wanted to write. That's all I can ever remember wanting to do other than be a wife and mommy.
I've got that down for the most part, minus the big wedding.

I think somewhere along all the craziness of raising three kids under the age of 3,
and only being 23 myself,
I lost something in myself.
I always promised I'd never do that because its not healthy and I think part of being a good mom is being a happy and secure mom, and I'm not that right now.

Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy.
My kids could make the saddest person in the world happy.
But I'm not one for sitting around watching life pass me and by and sometimes it feels like I'm doing that.
I know you fellow stay-at-homes feel me on that and you probably feel just as guilty as I do for it.
I've tried working and letting someone watch the kids part time, but that doesn't do it for me either.
We're okay financially with me being home and I'm grateful for that but when I'm here day in and day out I feel like I'm missing out on something I'm destined to do.
I've been thinking about it and searching, trying to figure out what it was that I did that got myself off track.
Its like when I go to bed at night, I just don't feel like I've accomplished anything.
On the days that I teach my sweet angels something huge, 
you know, potty training, counting further than yesterday, a new song, something of that sort,
it feels great. But I started feeling like one day my daughter is going to look at me and say "You never did anything for yourself". Because see I went to college, I didn't like it, hated it really, and it bummed me out. 
I dreamed of college life since I was in elementary school honestly!
I didn't know what to do when life didn't work out the way I thought it would.
So I've been making lists in my head, just moving those huge stacks of memories around in my brain that are collecting dust, rummaging through all my old ideas, trying to figure out what ELSE it is that I'm supposed to be doing.
I know its at home, I know that, I can feel it. I'm only happy with my babies.
I feel like I'm walking around missing something huge just running to the store without them.
When I was working, those 8 to 12 hours a day were killing me. I didn't even know how to function.
So I've got to do something.
I'm awesome at the "housewife" thing now.
I can cook, clean, do crafts, teach the kids something new every day, take time to spend with my man,
and even have down time. I can manage ALL THAT, but something isn't happening in there that I need.
I feel like my education always meant too much to me and I've spent so much time exploring everything I'm interested in and pursuing things I enjoy to just watch myself grow old without accomplishing something for myself.
And that all brings me to this:
I'm doing it.
I don't know what it is yet, but its going to find me and I'm open to whatever.
I'm looking for a business venture, something of my own that I can build from the ground up.
I know the success I have with it will depend solely on what I put into it and that is whats going to drive me.
And mark my word,
its going to happen!

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