Friday, April 22, 2011

18 weeks.... almost to the half way mark!

18 weeks, 3 days
Due date: September 22nd, but my c section will be scheduled a week before

Starting weight: 130

Current weight: 142

Baby gender: boy!

Baby name: Undecided! Baby Boy Marlow for now!

Craving: Nothing specific really. Occasionally Cesar salads. Thats about it.

Pregnancy peeve: Vivid dreams! They're really getting to me nowadays!

This pregnancy is a little different on me than the other two have been. I was only 19 when I got pregnant with my son and everything was fun and cool and different and I just loved sitting around eating all the time. I stayed miserable with morning sickness throughout the pregnancy so I didn't really gain a WHOLE lotta weight. Well okay really, I was 108 when I got pregnant and I was 150 when I had him so i gained a lot, BUT i needed it and it actually looked fairly good on me afterwards.

I didn't work out to lose my weight that time. I didn't breastfeed the whole time, I didn't have some huge secret as to how I lost the weight. I did some pretty extreme diets here and there but only for a few weeks at a time, and by his first birthday I was 120 lbs and looking good.

Then baby #2. I was right at 130 when I got pregnant.... 170 when I had her.

That weight.... it didn't fall off so easy. I really had to work on that. I had another c section, but I nursed #2 so I lost about 30 of it pretty quick, but the rest... it just didnt wanna come off. I had to work out daily, and hardcore at that, do some Weight Watchers, along with some other dieting. I finally got back down to 130 but I was still different.

Pregnancy has changed my body so much.
It has opened up a world of insecurities I never thought I'd have.
I try to take care of myself while I'm expecting.... I make the best of it because its worth it.... but myself esteem has just been shattered by it. My entire body has changed and it seems like no matter what I do, I'll never be the same. 

I'm working out throughout this entire pregnancy, no matter what. I'm not sure whether I'll breastfeed again or not, but I know for sure I am immediately jumping on getting my old body back. I don't want it for a vain reason. I want it for me. I am so proud of my kids and as long as I have them I'll be happy even if I weigh 180 lbs. But it would just be nice to look in the mirror and be happy with my body. 

I know the "fatness" is coming.

I'm not looking forward to it.

Shake your head, think badly of me, but I'm NOT one of those women who LOVE being pregnant. I love the outcome, but pregnancy really gets to me. I haven't had postpartum depression, but I've been extremely depressed throughout my second pregnancy and this one. 

I'm working through it, and hopefully as I continue to update this blog with "belly pictures" I won't get too gigantic. We'll SEE!

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