Thursday, March 29, 2012

Ever have those "why can't I catch a break" days?

I don't have them often to be honest. But Lord has it hit me lately!

I feel like I've been working towards the same goal since I was 18 and I still haven't made it even half way there. Its so frustrating when I look around a see people I know from school who literally haven't worked half as hard as me and my husband, haven't been through have as much, nor deserved half of what they have, and yet they have EVERY thing. A house that their parents helped them get by giving them a loan or cosigning on a mortgage with them, good jobs that they got because they "knew someone", and of course...big huge famillies who babysit free of charge so that they can both work and have the money to pay bills as well as enjoy a social life.

I on the otherhand started with nothing. Never had a car bought for me in high school, had to get one myself instead, never had a car payment made for me, never had bills paid for me, never got a loan from anyone, never had anyone co-sign on anything with me, never had help at all. I thought somehow things would just happen, that I would go to school and get a good job and buy a house and be on top of things. Instead I went to school, had a job, quit to have a baby, then went to get another one only to find that the economy had completely collapsed, and have since been lucky to find a decent waitressing job. Of course because I've never had a cosigner for anything that means I've never had a chance to build credit so I can't get that mortgage I've dreamed of, not even when I had a downpayment that was well over 10%. All I wanted was to find one of those amazing foreclosed homes that are valued so far above the asking price and fix it up and have my own dream come true. Instead I'm stuck paying twice as much as I would pay for a mortgage payment on rent every month, then still have to add the huge stack of bills we have on top of that.

While all of my friend's husbands have had the same steady jobs since BEFORE the economy went downhill, we've been hoping and praying for temp jobs to eventually go permanent for three years now! (Trust me, they never do.) Every time we're doing good, finally on top of things, finally doing well, the job ends. Then we're screwed until something else comes along. So here we are again, back to job searching, back to being so close to losing everything that its terrifying, and of course, no help from anyone (not that I would ask, but still...). Sometimes I just want to slap the girls in the face who complain about their bosses at work and their frustrations with not being able to go on VACATION and make them realize that there are people like ME who would honest to God take a job at McDonalds if it comes down to it just so I can get by with my family. Hell, if I could find a job for my husband and me both and actually figure out a way to afford day care so we could both work and live comfortably, I would NEVER complain about work! I would be SO HAPPY! And vacation? My God I haven't been on vacation since 2006! Sad huh?

I count my blessings daily, I honestly do. I'm so thankful for everything down to the troubles that I have (if nothing else, they make me more grateful and also give me great stories for grandkids one day!) but sometimes a less stressful life would just be nice. I feel like I've been through too much to just keep having more thrown at me every day. So many people just have it so easy it makes me sick. Its like everytime I feel comfortable breathing and loosen up a little and think, "Okay we're going to be alright now! Things are going great!" its like the world wants to prove me wrong.

Sad sad times.
I'm so stressed, its driving me nuts.

And sorry to just complain.
:( Its just one of those nights.

1 comment:

  1. :( I'm so sorry! Praying for you! I love that you've worked hard for everything you do have!